Photo Courtesy of The Daily Rumour
TORONTO - Caveat News (CVT) has received an anonymous tip from a group claiming responsibility for an unprecedented guerrilla action that sent shock waves through the GTA.
A giant inflatable bulldawg was standing on the roof of the provincial Legislature early this morning, the last day of House business before the Easter long weekend, which is a week after March Break, which was a few weeks after a controversial day off in February legislated in order to give Ontarians a much-needed holiday in winter.
A shadowy group of resistance fighters, calling themselves the Bulldawg International Freedom Front (BIFF), says it was behind the stunt, which has launched a massive dragnet operation. They seek them here, they seek them there, they seek those BIFFniks everywhere.
When we picked up the phone early today, this is what we heard.
"Up Your Keister for Easter, Ontario! The Easter Bulldawg brought you all a nice surprise!" Maniacal laughter and snorting ensued, followed by this chilling message: "Stop picking on bulldawgs now! Free bulldawg owners! Get with the program, dingbats, or BIFF will put one of these babies on every major landmark in Toronto. We have the will, we have the expertise and we have the equipment to repeat this action. We will stop at nothing to get our message out. We demand - uh oh, gotta run, here come da Judge..." The caller hung up.
The Daily Rumour's investigative team, also known as Glen, tracked down an eyewitness who made the following statement:
"A helicopter dropped the inflatable bulldawg on the roof at about 4:00 am and then flew away in a northerly direction. It was a pretty slick operation, these people knew exactly what they were doing. What's next? Wiener Dogs? This is some scary stuff."
At a press conference earlier today, a police spokesman announced that "All helicopter pilots and BIFF sympathizers in the GTA will be rounded up for questioning and will have to stay late until somebody spills the beans. We don't care if it's your birthday, if you are getting married or if you just want to chill on the couch this weekend. Fess up or bring your blankies because we're all going to be here until we get to the bottom of this outrageous action."
The former Attorney General for Ontario, who was responsible for bringing in an unconstitutional law outlawing the ownership of short-haired, medium-sized dogs, could not be reached as he was apparently standing in front of a Tim Horton's somewhere making another amateur film. Since our research shows that the majority of Ontarians now feel the legislation was misguided and unfair, we asked the current AG, who inherited the mess, whether he thought public opinion was turning against the government over the bulldawg issue. He declined to answer, saying only that without doing some quick polling using loaded questions, he couldn't adequately respond.
A Ministry spokeswoman released a statement just before we went to press.
"If nobody comes forward to face the consequences for this heinous stunt, we'll be punishing all helicopter pilots and bulldawg lovers in Ontario. We'll go from house to house if we have to in a search for the guilty. We'll be picking up licensed pilots as well as dog owners who have a physical appearance which is substantially similar to that of BIFF operatives, as soon as we get some photos to use for comparison."
"These kinds of shenanigans will not be tolerated in Ontario. This is no laughing matter. Jokers like BIFF and other inherently humourous groups are on notice that Ontario is no place for fun and games. Citizens have told us, and told us loud and clear, that sight gags and mockery of the government must end. The sooner these rapscallions realize that this province is all about not sharing their little jokes with the rest of us, and that the consequences for mirth will be swift and severe, the better off all Ontarians, including yours truly, will be."